My fic was too long to go in the replies i think

Your name is John Egbert, and today is your thirteenth birthday. Like all 12 preceding it, you feel the urge to monologue your entire personality for no reason.

“To grasp the full significance of life is the actor’s duty, to interpret it is his problem, and to monologue about it his dedication.” - Nic Cage, Worlds Best Actor.

You have many interests, but the most pressing one - only narrowly beating your upcoming gifts - is the impending end of the world. About a year ago, the CEO of Gregtech said that the world would end on the 13th of April , and was backed up by your favourite moive director, DS. Gregtech is a multitrillion dollar company, and the press release was about the acquisition of Skianet Systems and the subsequent “Sylladex Santa” incident. Many would call your current modus boring and unwieldy, and they are right, because you use the stack modus. You sit down in front of your TV and switch it to the news station, pulling some of your presents out of your sylladex from under your toothbrush which you must have accidentally captchalouged last night. You make a mental note to retrieve whatever was launched out the bottom of your measly 4 cards.

News dude: -s is your apocalypse news. “The Calamity” as people are calling it, well, it’s frankly horrifying. True are the nightmares of astrophysicists ...and everyone else. Several billion meteors have appeared out of nowhere, and are heading straight for earth! The Gregtech CEO has issued a statement this morning.

Reporter: What do you think about the recent news of The Calamity?!

GC: I warned you bro

News dude: This is basically what I personally expected.

You open your first present. The gift is in a bright red box, so you’re sure it's from Dave. Inside is a slightly grimy stuffed rabbit. There's a letter in here too, written in bright red. Wait, this is the actual Con Air bunny?! How! There's a certificate of authenticity too! You PUT THE BUNNY BACK IT THE BOX and place it on your shelf happily, and when you sit down again, something that was under the bunny catches your eye. Pulling it out, you find a director's cut of SBaHJ! Only ten (10) of these were made! They were hidden all over the planet, and so far just three (3) have been found! Dave must be WAY more loaded than you thought! The watermark on the surface says its the eighth, but it wont go upright no matter how you turn it.

News dude: The meteors seem to average around the size of rhode island, but range between the size of new york city and, apparently, planet fucking Jupiter. The SBaHJ jokes write themselves. 

News dude: Less pressing but still life-threatening to many, global warming has gotten way worse suddenly. The ocean has risen by about 3 metres in the last 6 hours. Predictions expect a water world to emerge, and if the meteors don't kill everyone (unlikely) the sea levels will.

You open your second present. This box is purple, so from Rose. You open it up, and find a hand knit stuffed rabbit! It seems Rose has put your knitting supplies to good use! It seems almost identical to the one Dave sent you, except it’s purple and woolly. You CHAOS DUNK THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX on the shelf next to Dave's. Underneath is a note that must have been written by someone else, because it’s so sappy and gross. She did get it legally notarised and marked with a drop of her blood though.

News dude: We have also established semi-contact with alien life! They have sent quite an odd message, in english, except for what seems to be some kind of emoticon. The message reads; “)(IC: allmast <> you aft this shipt”. We have inferred practically zero useful information from this transmission. It seems to have sent itself into every server and DM connected to the internet at exactly midnight last night.

Before you can open the green box, your Dad comes in with an enormous cake. Like, your height, and adorned with the most decorations you've ever seen on a cake. It has pastel blue icing, with the words “Happy 13th!” in gold and white, wrapping round each layer. You dad really went all out. He sings you happy birthday and ruffles your hair, before cutting you an enormous slice which you dig into happily. Your dad makes great cakes, and this is definitely his best that you’ve tried!

News dude: In more local news, a very dangerous mass murderer has escaped from jail. His name is Jack Noir (He’s French Jack Black, I guess) and he has an incredibly high kill count, but was actually arrested for ecoterrorism and got out early on a technicality that doesn't actually exist. We definitely need better police.

Your dad looks shocked at that. He clearly hasn't seen anything else on the news. As he does up his tie and puts on his hat, he tells you to stay in the house, and that going to school isn't as important as keeping your life. You roll your eyes. He laughs and ruffles your hair again, before going off to work. Suddenly, your phone pings, displaying a message from Jade.

You shut off your phone. You thought Jade was going to be more considerate with this future-witchery prank, but at the end of the world! About your dad dying! You head back to the couch, and eat a slice of cake. It’s delicious, but the taste is sullied. You eye the green box, then shove it off to the side. You don't want to deal with her “visions” right now. You bet that there's just going to be a note in there saying “no future me is totally right about your dad!!”. You try to get yourself caught back up with the news.

News dude: -the director of the SBaHJ movies, DS, has publicly revealed his identity to the public! DS is actually his initials, against what a majority of fans theorised, as his real name is Dave Strider, and he claims to currently be 13 years old. This places SBaHJ: the Moive, his first movie, to have been published when he was about 4 years old.

News dude: Many far, far, less devoted fans think he is simply lying about his age, but my theory is time travel, considering the insane amount of time travel imagery in the 4th and 13th movies.

You freak out.

News dude: Uh... this just in, DS- Dave Strider has sent me a text to my actual phone number. How? I have no clue. It reads; “john yes its me”, all lowercase. As long time listeners to the station may know, my name is Dean. No clue who this is addressed to. Anyway, I’m calling off the rest of the broadcast, go buy GameBro, ect ect. I’ll be with you with more updates at noon.

You think you have a clue who this might be addressed to. You are so done with everything. You go outside onto the balcony and scream at the top of your lungs, surprising yourself with the way-too-high volume, as if the air itself was yelling with you. You blink, slightly off balance, before walking over to the telescope to take a look at the meteors that you hope are some birthday prank- wait no, there they are. You swivel the telescope, looking at the sheer volume of rocks, red from entering the atmosphere, before you find a meteor that catches your eye. It doesn't have any kind of trail like the others, but it seems to be getting steadily bigger. Your instincts prickle at you to run, because OH GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS YOU! 

You turn and try to make your way to the door, determined to get down the stairs and out the door as fast as possible, but find your feet rooted in place as a red-blue light washes over you, and you feel the ground drop out from underneath you as the weightlessness that comes with falling washes over you, but you still can't move. You try in vain to swim through the air. Your leg pops out the tractor beam for a moment before being affected by gravity and the fear of falling knocks the air out of you. You tuck all your limbs in close, looking out over the planet that is getting way to far away now-

The light disappears from around you, but you fall onto a metal aperture that appears to have closed underneath you. You release a breath you had not realised you had been holding, and lie panting on the floor for a few seconds. You hear a door click, and look round to see some kind of grey monster girl, with bright candy corn horns and way too many pupils in her left eye, grinning widely. You look at her dumbly, and she cackles. Like, an actual maniacal laugh. You stand, if only to show you’re not a pushover, and attempt to engage a dialogue. 

The girl, Vriska, puts the dice-sword back into her specibus. You're pretty sure that her threatening you just because you said her name was weird is a bad sign. She turns on her heel and starts speed walking away, making you run through the unfamiliar hallways to catch up. Flesh-coloured wires run along the ceiling of the hall, connecting to the yellow light bulbs with thinner pulsating tubes. The walls are grey, the floor is grey, the ceiling is grey, all accented with stripes in muted colours like mustard yellow and a dark blue. The light flickers unevenly as you realise you’ve lost Vriska while looking at the halls. The hallway bifurcates into two paths, the whiring of machinery disguising which one the heavy clomps of Vriska’s boots originate from. 

You wander down the left path uncertainly, but as the sound of boots quiets you hesitate, considering going back. The boots stop, and a loud expletive is yelled, echoing through the corridors. The stomps return, steadily getting louder again. You sigh in relief that Vriska realised you're too far behind. She must be running back to you now. You continue on, the mustard-coloured lines getting wider until the walls are nothing but. You come to a thick black line, encircling a slice of the now slightly narrower hallway. Words are drawn on the ground, but they are scraggly, seemingly scribbled on, and the boxy letters are unlike any language you've seen. Several thick fleshy tubes, similar in texture to the wire that connects to the lights, emerge from the walls and roof, dripping an unidentifiable yellowish fluid onto the floor. The walkway turns to grates, a small robot zipping over it and cleaning up the liquid.

You take a few steps over the black line, avoiding the dripping tubes that pulse in time with your own heartbeat. As you walk forward, cautious of the new environment, you-

HELP

Your thoughts are interrupted by a voice. It chills you to your core, giving your intense feeling of dread a direction. But you can't help but empathise with the voice. Something about it is like you. You want to-

HELP

The voice gives you shivers, goosebumps growing along your skin. You rush forward. Your instincts are trying in vain to force you back, but he needs to be free. You- 

HELP

You dash through a doorway that was guarded a few seconds ago, clutching a small hammer, covered in blue and green, and you try to-

HELP

You stand before a man, dressed in a wetsuit and connected to huge, fleshy wires. The man is easily twice your height, but he's so skinny that you can see his ribs through his skin. He has red and blue goggles on, from behind which that yellow liquid is leaking. You take the claw of your hammer to the huge wires binding the man's torso and legs, and as you tear it fully off him, Vriska bursts into the room with a loud yell.

You tear the man-

THE PSIIONIC 

…The Psiionic out of the fleshy tentacle that wrench his hands above his head and try to haul him to wherever you’re going, but he’s too heavy. Vriska easily throws him over her shoulder and gives you a look, so you run as fast as you can after her. Alarms blair red and blue as you and Vriska make your mad dash towards the end of the corridor. Vriska makes a left, you make a left. Vriska turns right and left, and passes a dozen people in army gear, who collapse as she gets close to them. You follow after, a little confused, and Vriska makes one final turn and sighs in relief. You follow after her and find yourself in a room with lots of large colourful stone slabs.

Vriska props The Psiionic up on a green one, she herself sits on a yellow one, and you sit on a blue one. It feels strangely comfortable, like it's giving you energy. In the room there are dozens of slabs of varying colours. All of them have symbols on them, but a few are greyed out; a red one, a pinkish one, and the one Vriska is sitting on. You can pick out twelve different symbols. The one you are sitting on has a sky-blue breath symbol. The meaning rises in your subconscious like The Psiionic’s speech, out of nowhere, but it feels different, like it was always beneath the surface of your mind. A thought strikes you, pulling you out of that train of thought.

The ship is shaking from the turbulence of entering the atmosphere now. You’re beginning to panic slightly, but Vriska is calm, which helps. Psiionic almost looks better fed, more filled out and sitting up straight. You guess the beds really must be helping somehow, or maybe it’s because he got out of those wire things. Outside a small porthole, you see the slightly speckled blackness suddenly transition to a bright sky blue, slowly shifting redder as the room slowly heats. You lie back on the slab as everything crashes down around you, just not in the way you expected it to today. You wake up on your bed, in your home, as if it had all been a dream. You sit up, and walk over to your window and - 

Suddenly your door bursts open, and an orange-dressed Vriska dashes into the room. She throws you over her shoulder and before you can protest, dashes out into some kind of dreamscape with a blue  mushroom-covered ground and a green and pink swirling sky. The water that Vriska runs towards has in it a huge pirate ship, which she leaps towards, bluish wings sprouting from her back. A large number of those trolls stand around you, whispering as you feel their gazes piercing you from their pure white eyes. Vriska throws you onto the deck.

You can feel the younger Psiionic lookalike roll his eyes through those double eyepatches, and if the other aliens are any indication, lack of pupils. The weird cat-troll is chiseling your face into a stone tablet. A troll with huge horns and no pants waves at you. Another troll holding a bright red sweater who took the pants in the divorce. You could’ve sworn you caught sight of Dave as a troll before releasing that’s stupid. 

Vriska holds up a black piece of paper with nothing on it.

Vriska points to a few hair-thin lines on the “map” that change colours as you look at them.

Vriska points at the enormous cracks in the universe that you somehow only just noticed are there. They pulse weirdly, changing colours as your brain struggles to process the idea that there simply isn't anything there, never has been, and never will be. You struggle to take your eyes off it, lest they grow larger and remove you from existence or something like that. In the centre stands a ripped green guy yelling angrily, a green coffin floating beside him before falling into a crack and never having existed in the first place. He starts running forward, luckily away from you, and smashing up these pink and green oily bubbles, creating more mind-bending cracks with every punch.

...

Vriska resignedly hands you the map. It looks different now, with the cracks almost having gone in a near perfect circle made entirely of tiny right angles. Meaning that you are officially back where you started. Great. A small rocky platform catches your and Vriska's eyes, completely different to the usual odd voidscape or oily dream bubbles (which you found out was called that at around the 3 hour mark). The ship floats towards it and you all get off. Vriska yells something but the cave draws you in. inside, a large red chest, open, and a slab of nothing in the shape of a house. But not the nothing you’re used to, instead of being coloured like “Rainbow Brain-Pain Lobotomy” flavor fruit gushers, its more serene. Closer to the “Skian Sphincter’s Calming Seizure” flavor. 

You try to lift it, but find that you cant even touch it, let alone move it in any way. Surprisingly, when reaching through it, you can put your hand through where you’d expect the floor to be. Suddenly, your hand comes into contact with something hard and sharp, with a texture like bone. You grab it and try to pull it out, but it jerks away from you. You reach in a bit further, trying to find it again, but suddenly the you’re pulled into the house. You see yourself, but way older looking. He chuckles slightly and disappears into a blue haze that floats towards you, before glowing the same colour as the thing that brought you here. You feel floaty and confused, but you suddenly condense back, before you fell in. The treasure turns to stone.

Vriska is now the angriest person you have ever seen.

Before she can say anything horrendously self centred and morally questionable as you've learned to expect, LE smashes the final dream bubble, completing the circle, and you feel something crack. A crack that you can’t explain with words other than ‘loud and possibly ‘very’. Suddenly, the space in the circle spirals inward, flashing green and red, and the universe snaps in half. You find yourself sitting on a lotus in a void containing infinitely many other lotuses, and see the universe as a flat disk, far enough away that you can see all of it. You see what appears to be a god, in shock at the creation he once fondly regarded broken so absolutely.

He turns, and looks straight at you, reaching out his hand. But he doesn't reach for you, but what sits behind you on a different lotus. An… office fan? He takes the fan cord and uses it to thread a needle first try, using his god powers to extend the new thread. He pierces the universe with the needle and messily stitches it up, fondly regarding it once again, before whipping out a sextant and 360 no-telescoping Lord English.

And the univers e  s l   o      w        s      .           .           .

s        d     n  i  w e r dna

...

You wake up from possibly the weirdest dream you or anyone else has ever had. You feel like it could’ve been yesterday, if it wasn’t for the fact that the universe was destroyed at the end. Welp, an ominous dream wont stop you from having fun on your birthday! You head downstairs, still a little tired. You empty your sylladex onto the table, three gifts and your toothbrush that you must’ve captchalouged on accident yesterday. You turn on the news as you start opening your presents but you feel some intense deja-vu from what you hear.

News dude: Welcome to the only news channel still broadcasting in America and this is your apocalypse news. “The Calamity” as people are calling it, well, it’s frankly horrifying. True are the nightmares of astrophysicists ...and everyone else. Several billion meteors have appeared out of nowhere, and are heading straight for earth! The Gregtech CEO has issued a statement this morning.

Reporter: What do you think about the recent news of The Calamity?!

GC: It keep hapening

News dude: This is basically what I personally expected.