No, NO!!!!!!! You can't believe this. Ugh. This sucks, everything sucks right now!!!! You come to this beach to relax and try to temper your significant ANGER ISSUES. Living with a roommate who is a literal CLOWN and working as a BLACKJACK DEALER in a NANTUCKET CASINO where you have to deal with SNOBBY RICH IDIOTS all day is very taxing. It's enough to drive anyone up the wall, let alone a GRUMPY YOUNG ADULT with a SORDID PAST.
This bad news makes you want to chuck your phone into the sea like a businessman at the end of a hallmark movie who just realized his stereotypical nuclear family unit means more to him than his incredibly lucrative yet soul crushing office job. You don't have the kind of money to just go about buying new phones and you're very ADDICTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA so you just heave a clump of wet sand into the surf instead.
The wet plop makes you feel a little better.
As your anger dissipates the overwhelming dread of the life you've lived sits heavy on your shoulders. You flop down onto the sand, getting the coarse ground stone bits all in your hair and clothes as you let a frustrated yell up to the skies.
You need to do something different, change something. You want to break out of your routine of work, home, beam social media into your face until you fall asleep, and wake up for work again. You wish you had the willpower to go truly crazy like your old friends probably think you are. Lying here, desperately yearning for something new, you instead resort to something old. For the first time since your childhood, before you were disillusioned, you start praying.
Not to jesus or anything, you are almost certain you've burned that bridge a long time ago. You mentally cry out to any god or being out there, somewhere beyond your monotonous reality, for help. You know all the parables warn against this, or encourage caution about your wayward wishes, but you don't really care. If some demon possesses you you may as well just let them live your life at this point. The thought makes you laugh, as if they would agree to that deal. At this point, who would want to
>Be HANNAH REUBEN.
-KeCh
> Drink Sea Water
I'm a person... Probably.
YOU THERE, YES YOU, LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE DON'T USE DISCORD LINKS FOR EMBEDS, THE LINK STOPS WORKING VERY FAST, USE A FILE HOSTING SERVICE LIKE file.garden!!!!!!!
=> make a sandcastle. be the sand queen
>HANNAH: Drink Sea Water.
You suddenly feel a strange burst of motivation! You are going to change things! You are going to be different! You're up and motivated and your first act with these new found actionable opportunities is to- drink sea water? You get up and squat down as a wave comes in you cup your sandy mitts together and scoop up some of that oceanic goodness.
==>
UGH! It's so salty and tastes horrible. You knew this already, you live on an island, why did you try to swallow seawater?? Now your mouth tastes overwhelmingly like salt.
-KeCh
==> Look around for something to help get rid of the taste. Anything.
> HANNAH: Look around for something to help get rid of the taste. Anything.
The beach is pretty much empty, it's just stretches of sand until the shrub line. You picked this beach for it's vacancy, and now it's doing you no favours. There's nothing for you to use to clean the taste out of your mouth, unless you...
>HANNAH: Eat Sand.
For some reason you are scooping sand up and are poised to insert it into your mouth? I wish there was some assumption you could make based on prior events to intuit what could possibly follow trying a stunt like this. You know the sand is soaked in salt water nigh constantly right??
==>
-KeCh
> quit eating non-edible things!!!! go out and get some real food.
> yeah... i'm thinking it's time to eat some fake food.
>HANNAH: Quit eating inedible things, go out and get some real food.
Yeah, you are really hungry. Also thirsty after that salt. You have spent long enough at this beach anyway, time to hit the road. Your choice of road-hitting machine is the beast that is the FORD F150. As you climb in you wonder where you should go, what type of food you should eat. Probably something healthy after all this, right?
>HANNAH: Time to eat some fake food.
Who are you kidding, you know you were always just going to get junk food again. You can't get enough of that plastic cheese pasted onto a growth hormone-filled meat patty. You can already picture the feeling of grease dripping down your chin. You think that fast food was probably the greatest invention for bringing the hedonistic pleasures of self destruction for short term gratification to the masses, now you don't have be a rich asshole to eat yourself to death. You start picturing the menus of various establishments around the island in your head, wondering what you should get.
>HANNAH: Eat the famous Poppy Burger.
Oh right, you promised your roommate Poppy you would try her bespoke burger. It still boggles your mind the circumstances that led to a career clown like her getting a deal to get a personalized food item on a restaurant menu. You pull into the offending establishment, McSilly's. McSilly's is a one of a kind place, it was a McDonalds pre-pandemic, but then with the drop in business the franchisee shut it down and couldn't find a seller until some eccentric rich retiree with a passion for clowns picked it up as something to occupy some time in some retirement. Poppy approached him, as a local working clown and he for some godforsaken reason he accepted, so now she has her own burger? You know that Poppy has a sort of large online following but she's nowhere near even a D list celebrity at this point, and you thought that the cutoff for getting food named after you even in your hometown would be around there. It probably has something to do with the fact that both poppy and the business owner are part of that recent clown-based social movement Poppy keeps trying to explain to you. Whatever, you can feel your eyes glazing over even thinking about it. What were you doing before this tangent? Oh right, you pull into the drive through and get the Poppy burger. Now you can tell her you tried it, and then go back to ordering your regular order, the baclown burger.
-KeCh
> consume the burger and try to resist the call of the McSilly Ball pit
> Wish that this stupid town allowed chains beyond the grocery store and the convenience store.
> Ponder what might be on your friend's new Signature Menu Item™.
>HANNAH: Baclown burger review NOW.
Too late, you already ordered the Poppy burger to keep your lame promise. You can see the poor minimum wage worker they make wear the clown nose bringing you your colourful baggy and massive soda cup. You stare into his eyes and his resigned eyes let you know that he's not a big clown guy, he's just here for the paycheck. You share a thin lipped grimace of people in jobs they dislike and customers who know all too well what they're feeling.
>HANNAH: Ponder what might be on your friend's new Signature Menu Item™.
You remove it from the bag and wow, what is this thing. The buns look way too saturated with artificial dye to be healthy, and the little paper cutout parts of the face stuck in with toothpicks are already slicked with grease and will probably fold and darken soon. The sauce on it is the same consistency as the normal white sauce but it's old bubblegum pink. Other than that you think it's probably the same stuff as the other burgers.
You wonder if it's more or less ethical to pick your friend's facial features off one by one before biting into her burger head. You sort of expected it to just have her rubber duck motif and having her look up at you out of the back took you aback.
-KeCh
>Remove the burger facial features and put them on your own face. Absorb the power of the clown
>Think Of Poppy. Try Not To Run over pedestrians
> think of pedestrians. try not to run over poppy
reach out on discord @cytosol for moderation-related help!
>Bite directly into the burger without removing the toothpicks
