I had this thought because I finished a terrible comp game, and I fucking hate my teammates, okay, so let's go. I won't do every single character because this is Homestuck, there's too goddamn many. I'm doing my faves:
Beta Kids:
John- He is a Punisher main who abuses the hell out of the turret and who just likes to use the shotgun over any other weapon. He always dies during his ult, though, and is not at all reliable when it's time to clear the point off. I like to think he's one of those players who don't even really have comms on when playing so you can't tell him what's happening or what he needs to do. He thinks Squirrel Girl is "broken and OP". His highest rank is Platinum only because he stacks with friends.
Dave- He mains a flashy and cool character and never plays anything other than DPS. I see him as a Blade main just because the shades and the sword are, like, his whole thing. He has never even touched a support once, even when they released a new one. He doesn't like maining a character that's too popular because he wants to be seen as unique. If Blade gets taken, though he plays Psylocke, and if SHE'S banned, then he's almost shit out of luck because he's not playing someone if they don't have immense aura. He thinks Black Panther needs a buff for some reason and thinks lowly of players who use the popular IP characters like Spiderman or Mr.Fantastic. His highest rank is Diamond, though he thinks it's really impressive because he did it mostly solo.
Rose- Now you may be thinking, because she was a Seer in Sburb, that she must then be the world's best Strategist. However, that's not it; she's a Vanguard main and is the one calling all of the shots. She's specifically a Dr.Strange main who likes to get creative with the different portal techs. She spends more time researching different vantage points to kill enemies than she does learning how to get better as a Vanguard. Rose thinks effectiveness is the key to strategy, so she likes playing characters who can ruin the plans of others or who can help her scheme some more. So when Strange is banned, she goes Groot. She doesn't like playing a Brawler tank, and she LOATHES playing Mangeto because it's just too boring. Her highest rank is Grandmaster, and she did it solo queueing.
Jade- She kind of got stuck with the support role since none of her friends play it, but she decided if she HAD to play support, she might as well play one that lets her have the most fun and freedom. Which is why she is a good Loki main who will place the clones in the most weird and off-angle areas ever. However, when she isn't the support she is a very good Black Widow. Even though Black Widow is pretty difficult for a lot of players, Jade's great at her. She just doesn't get that chance to show off. Her and John swap depending on what the match calls for (Sometimes he'll go support and she'll go DPS)People in comp matches tremble in fright because she has Lord Widow and never misses a headshot. One might wonder: Well if Jade's so good at Widow, why not just have her be Widow all of the time? And the answer to that is simply because she is the only competent one who is cracked at Loki enough to heal and support, and the rest hate the role with a passion (thus is the burden of a flex player </3)
I had ideas for the trolls but this is already a long post. Lol what a silly, silly idea.
Karkat is a Vanguard main who always has to solo tank despite having 11 other fucking friends who could very well tank ALONGSIDE HIM. He is a Thing/Emma main, and he is Not Having A Good Time.
Vriska likes a challenge and is a Widow Main, but she also plays as even more arduous characters like Black Panther. She is too good at the game; she reposted TrollNecros' video, calling support mains boosted, and then personally sent it to Tavros (their only Rocket/Jeff main) with laughing emojis.
Kitty Pryde ain't in the game yet, but when she is, y'all already know that's got Nepeta's name all over it. Either that or Nightcrawler, let's hope and pray Nightcrawler ever gets added.
Terezi is still blind in this AU but plays anyways, she mains characters like Scarlet and Squirrel Girl because they're color palettes taste nice. It's mostly red characters, and she especially likes Iron Man because mmm...iron-y taste....
Kanaya is a very good Invisible Woman and Cloak and Dagger main who only likes playing the healer characters because she feels like it's a way to help everyone equally. She also likes Mantis because she can boost the power of her allies and let them get their kills on their own. Sometimes she takes a hands off approach and isn't strategizing, but Karkat asks for her advice anyways during games so she's always calling out shots.
(ugh these are all the ones I can think of </3)
the serious question is who would play spiderman
also dave 100% flexes to ultron
Ultron is barely a support as is so I can see Dave flexing on him just because it's not really a strategist and he feels cool. As for the Spiderman question, I think it's 100% John and he's also bad at Spiderman. He is the spiderman who goes 0/10 trying to dive and failing somehow.
Alternatively for the Trolls it's Gamzee and he never swaps off he is a certified Spiderman one trick
Most days Gamzee is dogwater at Spiderman but one time he became the deadliest Spiderman ever and nobody knows what happened or how.
karkat on venom
rose on mag
gamzee on spiderman
vriska on bucky
jake on starlord
kanaya on cloack and dagger are we making outta bronze chat?
Equius switches between playing Hulk and The thing and literally never touched a single other character except once that he played with Thor but found him too difficult to play.
These first two drafts rejected with a single written critique:
“It is rapturous still, the way you fill a page. I find it to be lacking.”
They're only making it out of bronze with that Comp if Rose peels for her wife, so I have some hope at least. I wouldn't trust anyone to solo heal if they didn't personally know their tanks.