Just gonna straight up say I could easily get shit worng

What’s with the weird sun and red sky near Dave's place? (pg. 444)

Texas is just like that in homestuck.

How the FUCK did Jade get her hands on one of Doc Scratch's Cue Balls? Doc Scratch doesn’t even exist in B1! (pg. 805)

Cue balls are a sort of "calling cards" for universes Lord English has marked for predation. Any universe that has both a cue ball and has retrieved lil cal from the void could potentially create doc scratch and thus lord english, this of course doesn't happen in the B1 universe but it still acts as a calling card.

Why/How does the universe end if Snowman dies?

There is not an exact answer and that is on purpose because the events surrounding the destruction of universe A2 are shrouded in mystery and what Doc Scratch describes as "circumstantial simultaneity". Scratch has an explanation of this on page 3810 but I can get into it more if you need me too.

How long is Karkat’s lifespan? He's not on the hemospectrum at all, so...

No clue but prolly low.

How the hell does John know what trolls look like? (pg. 1714)

John is literally just guessing and happens to be correct. As far as I can tell I can't find evidence that Terezi sent John a photo like finesilvercloud.

Why are there two sets of ruins on Alternia? The whole red and blue team thing was never real!

Its just a special part of the bifurcated session. To quote the commentary "It just doesn't seem logistically viable for many more players to play this game than that. But a twelve-player session would still ordinarily just have one set of ruins: a single frog temple with twelve surrounding planet-towers. This one is a special bifurcated session, though, as it says there. That means it has one usual set of ruins, which always end up next to the Forge. (The volcano there. All sessions start with one of those, except void sessions.) And also that the future site for one of the player's homes is nearby, like Jade, Kanaya, or Jake. But the underground Rogue Ruins site is quite anomalous to a session's starting planet. It makes sense that it's underground, hidden from view, and associated with Aradia. A planet is only supposed to have one set of ruins, so these are like the Shadow Ruins, which only conspiracy theorists whisper about."

What’s the deal with the doomsday device? (pg. 2131)

It is another example of circumstantial simultaneity. Moving on.

How did Rose know how to contact Doc Scratch?

It is implied Doc Scratch contacted her. Their messages on page 3627 imply that Scratch was usually the one to initiate conversation.
TT: I think I've been patient enough.
TT: When will I receive further instruction?
Now.
TT: So,
TT: I could have contacted you at any time?
No.
Only now.

Who is the "master" that Aradia and Dave serve? (pg. 3489)

The Lord of Time, aka Lord English. Aradia says "we have to be prepared to die a thousand deaths before our quest is complete, the master we serve demands it" which relates to how the entire narrative of homestuck is pretty much exclusively about ensuring the creation and birth of lord english. One of the primary Aradiabots we see in the dream bubble conversations surrounding this one is from the one that had both carried Lil Cal to the frog ruins as well as the one that brought the first guardian code into that timeline, allowing the creation of Doc Scratch.

What is Jack's Real Name? What is Scratch's Real Name? (pg. 3620)

All of Jack's adversaries know him as "Spades Slick" so his real name is Jack. Scratches real name is Lord English.

Why do the ruins seen on pg. 2283 look so similar to the ones Darkleer was hiding in on pg. 3755?

Probably just thematic links.

How does John know that? (pg. 3952)

I am not sure exactly what you are asking, but it is very likely whatever information he gained was from his talk with Typheus.

What's with fedorafreak? (pgs. 3954–3956) Is he from Universe B1? If so, why are there 4 heroes and not 5?

FedoraFreak is in his own session. While we only follow one session in universe B1 other sessions also occurred including Obamas.

Why is Doc Scratch a lifeless puppet when Hussie's around? (pg. 4077)

Its a play on the idea that Scratch and Hussie are the same charac

How the fuck did Gamzee get the Warhammer of Zillyhoo? He doesn't even use hammers, he uses clubs!!! (pgs. 3679+4085)

Shenanigans. But honestly I am too lazy to follow the exact timeline of the warhammer of zillyhoo but presumably he went back in time or something to give it to himself.

Why does Hussie need the characters to go through the yellow yard?

To get to the alpha session?

Why does Snowman have blue blood, while the other Dersites have red? (pg. 4110)

Likely caused by whatever deal she made with Scratch.

Shouldn't Jade still be able to teleport things with her space powers, even if she can't with her Bec powers? (pg. 4304)

We don't know if she can use her space powers to teleport, the fact that she can't should be evidence enough that her space powers alone don't let her teleport.

What's going on on pgs. 4306 & 4307?

Billious Slicks dead corpse.

Origins of God Cat? How was he created?

Out of the BARK code we see Roxy has and some random cat, just because the story doesn't directly tell us what cat we can infer that it was A CAT.

Why does footage of B2 Rose black out? (pg. 4513)

She could have been in communion with the dark gods or a possible explanation is one involving the classpect shenanigans Callie talks about on that page.

How can Dirk be both his earth self and his dream self at the same time?

This is explained repeatedly, like so much but its because of his power set as a Prince Of Heart and the way his splinters operate.

Where the hell is Calliope getting all of this info about sessions from? She only has the book from the B1 Session! 

Rose's big ass book.

Why does Dirk get deja vu about uu? (pg. 4650)

Something to do with the way he percieves his splinters in this case Beta Dirk.

(Possible Continuity Error?) How did Hussie pull out the wand after tossing the magnum? (pg. 4804/4807)

The wand was likely a prop imo but there are a lot of possible explanation.

Why is Jade blonde? (pg. 4855)

She has white hair, the same as how ALL the guardians hair are depicted. It has likely greyed out and thats why it isn't depicted as the usual black the harleyberts usually have.

What powers did limebloods have? (pg. 4962)

If you ask me its calliope fanfiction but otherwise we don't know.

Who "Commissioned" Bec Noir to destroy all B universes? LE? Is he afraid? (pg. 5072)

He likely indirectly "commissioned him" not literally. The destruction of universe B is required for the tumors explosion that creates the green sun which Lord English needs for both be created and a whole lot of other shit.

How does Calliope have Doc Scratch's gun/holster/wand? (pg. 5112)

Doc Scratches gun/holster/wand are likely calliopes/copies of calliopes although the other way around is also likely. With the second answer one could presume that Gamzee had given Calliope them for the express purpose of continuing the loop.

How does Dirk know that Jake beat up Meenah? (pg. 5215) That wasn't actually him, no?

When Dirks dream self falls asleep there he takes over Brain Ghost Dirk complete with also gaining his memories as evidenced by him continuing the conversation with Terezi.

How did Mituna burn himself out?

We don't know.

Why did A1 Damara go all crazy?

Constant bullying and horrible treatment by all her other players. Meenah especially was ruthless but Rufioh cheating on her among other things definitely didn't help.

How did John take The Ring Of Life with him from the dream bubble? 

To establish the fact that the ring of life can be taken between dreams and "the real world" which is important because other wise Roxy wouldn't have been able to give the ring the Calliope. Im gonna be honest not to be rude but a lot of these questions fall under "This happens because the story is establishing that this is a thing that can happen"

Who moved Earth, and how did they move it? (pg. 5496)

Vriska. She explains what she did on page 7540, this earth becomes earth C at the end of the comic which is where the Cherubs are eventually born.

Why is 154 a big deal for Derse? (pg. 5560)

I am not sure how you got the idea that "154" is an important number for derse in the comic, but the actual point is that this is a big day because the Beta

What is going on on pgs. 5808/5809 with Lil Cal?

Caliborn holding Lil Cal there was just him becoming obsessed with it and also making the point that the vessel is hollow. Meanwhile on the opposite end is Jack Noir getting not just Possessed by Lil Cal but also having all the souls and power of them transferred to him.

How/When did Caliborn get all buff?

Caliborn explains

Why did 3 of Caliborn's planets fall into the black hole? And why 6, 7, and 11 specifically? (pg. 6001)

The specific numbers don't matter but its because it is a reference to the game of pool also known as billiards where often balls can end up sunk when the first shot is made (the Break shot) and those balls will remain sunk for the remainder of the game. It is just another Billiards reference in regards to lord english.

Where did the Ring of Life come from? (pg. 6034)

Hussie. For all intents and purposes, Hussie.

Why did Kurloz take Vriska's pirate coat? (pg. 6066)

It is implied that Kurloz took Vriska's pirate coat in order to create Lord English's Cairo Overcoat, the two are pretty similar in design but not in color scheme and Kurloz is another worshiper of lord english.

Why does Meenah think she's going to steal the Ring of Life from John? (pgs. 6067–6072) Like, The Condesce wears a lot of jewelry, but distinctly does not wear a ring, so, what gives? Is it just because she's a Thief of Life?

It is mostly just a joke about her title.

How can Vriska know what the narrator is doing? (pgs. 6076/6080)

Its just something some people can do especially if it conflicts with what they want, this idea is explored A LOT in the epilogues but can also be seen with stuff as early as Wayward Vagabond using the terminal to command John. There is a lot to here but I cover in more in the following questions. She also mentions on page 6082 that she can "SENSE WH8N SOME SORT OF 8ULLFUCKERY IS AFOOT" in regards to Hussie.

How does Vriska even know that Hussie ('Orange Guy') is The Narrator?

Read above but also she can prolly just recognise his voice, Terezi does something similar when she hears Dirks narration in the epilogues.

How can Vriska control Hussie? Her powers don't work on humans, right? And Hussie is human, as he describes humans with "we" (pg. 6080)

She easily just be adding her own narration, being narrator in homestuck is not a special power certain characters have, it is mostly based on awareness of the plot. This is a good post that covers the bell tower scene in the epilogues and how it relates to people being narrators. https://www.tumblr.com/dingodad/782310273277165568/is-there-any-leading-idea-on-why-specifically-ult?source=share

Where/When is Hussie writing all of this from? Is it like authorspace or something? Maybe time flows narratively there??? ????????

He can just still narrate when he is dead most likely.

Why did LE leave his gun/staff behind? (pg. 6116)

I don't think LE needs that gun, he just left it behind because he felt like it.

How did Caliborn turn his black gun/staff gold?

Alchemy presumably. If he got another sburb server copy he could just, place down the alchemy stuff himself.

Why is The Cueball necessary to create a weapon capable of harming Lord English? (pg. 6322)

Another Billiards thing.

How do Meenah and Aranea know what the 'legit chain of events' consists of? (pg. 6553)

They don't, they are just assuming that Aranea's involvement would immediately doom the timeline which it kinda does? Even though it is part of the alpha timeline since Terezi telling John how to retcon is required for the creation of lord english.

Why must Dave be the one to deal the final blow to Lord English? (pg. 6383) [Also as seen in The Epilogues, he's not the one to kill him! That's AltCalliope!]

Its just prophecy bullshit. All of homestuck is a massive timeloop so of course everything has to "go a certain way". If it doesn't go that way it splits off into a doomed timeline that dissipates. Also he does get the final blow to Lord English when he chops Lord Jacks head of and ven with proper LE he was the one to deal the final blow h, Alt!Calliope just straight up absorbs him as a pseudo predomination. I also think it is worth noting that since this takes place in candy that as far as any prophecy is concerned IT DIDNT HAPPEN. Davepeta dragging LE into the black hole was the last blow "canonically" dealt to him (in terms of the in universe idea of canonicity)

How can Aranea know where Roxy was? (pg. 6662)

She is a fully realised Sylph of light who is capable of so much bullshit. Plus she could presumably sense Roxy's emotions as she has very limited emotional perception abilities with humans.

Why is the stage there? If it's not from Jade's or Calliope's memories, so it shouldn't be there, no? (pg. 6677/6717)

The furthest ring doesn't automatically make the memories of whoever is there, it can just pull from whoever.

How the hell is Aranea using telekinesis on pgs. 6845 & 6901?????

Page 6560 shows Aranea controllinga group of Damara's throughout the furthest ring to "use" telekenises throughout the game over timeline, which why she is able to throw planets around and lift the ship.

Why is Lil Seb gesturing no on pg. 6898? John is correct, right?

I have literally zero clue but my girlfriend she thinks said its because lil seb is dirk and dirk would disagree with John about that so. (Yeah this is a complete nothing answer for the love of god someone else work this out)

Why do dead cherubs have black eyes while dead humans & trolls have white? 

Just design choice.

Why did John & Roxy make that choice? Seems kinda selfish no? Isn't this supposed to be a heroic thing they're doing? (pg. 7104)

It is a selfish choices but they are also allowed to make that choice. Also John had to, he was not going to learn how to use his retcon properly.

How can the events of A6A5A5 take place before Caliborn gets buff when those events involve Dirk stealing his soul? How can Caliborn possibly survive that?

The masterpiece happens straight up after Caliborn gets UNCONDITIONAL IMMORTALITY that why he can survive everything. The unconditional immortality also presumably came with other boons including the ultimate weapon.

Can just anyone time travel? We see Vriska on pg. 7449 with Aradia's timetables, implying she used them, despite not being a time hero. We also see Gamzee do the same. What even is the point of being a time hero lol?

Yes anyone can just time travel with the right gear. Time heroes are usually the one creating the time based equipment and also their god tiers come with extra time related powers (Aradia freezing Jack Noir and Dave speeding up the localised time of Earth C before they created the new universe.

How the hell does Vriska know so much?!?!?!?!

There are so many ways she could have gained the information.

Why can't The Condesce mind control Vriska? (pg. 7520) Why is she resistant? She's from a lower blood caste.

That isn't how homestuck mind control works. The trolls who are lower caste are less resilient mainly due to societal values placed on them that tell them they are inherently weaker and less confident than higher blood castes. There is a reason why Tavros, Karkat and Sollux (half the time) are the only lower blood trolls we see vriska is able to control. Terezi, Aradia, Sollux (the other half of the time) are all immune. Mind control in homestuck is more "mental suggestion" as opposed to complete override of desire and lower castes would have been taught to be subservient to higher castes thus more easily controlled. Vriska is a character who we see able to resist something akin to the command terminal when (Vriska) interupts AH to reveal the ultimate weapon, it isn't that surprising she is immune to the Condesces mind control.

Why doesn't AltCalliope have wings like the cherub on pg. 5962? (pg. 7601) She matured properly, no? (pg. 5973)

Alt!Calliope died before she had the chance to grow up more this is presumably the reason.

What is AltCalliope's promise to Echidna? (pg. 7616)

The path of the matyr

(Possible Continuity Error?) Dirk turning his back and Equius getting prototyped only happened pre-retcon. Vriska told him it would happen. (pgs. 7674 & 7449)

Not sure if this counts as a continuity error entirely but pretty damn close.

"KANAYA: There Were Twelve Of Us Back Then

ROXY: yeah WOW!!!

ROXY: i remember hearing about that from a friend

ROXY: who...

ROXY: never even existed from this frame of reference :(" ???????

Who tf is she talking about??? (pg. 7779)

Fefetasprite who talked to Roxy A LOT offscreen, the entire gag around dear sweet precious fefeta is that we constantly hear how about how she never shut up off screen but then she never says a single line on screen.

Why are there two Nannasprites? (pg. 7806)

One of them is the pre retcon Nannasprite that came with John and Roxy when John transported Lowas, it is the same way that

Why does Jasprosesprite^2 think that Nepeta has been "toyed with and disrespected by none other than the supreme puppeteer of unrepentant horseshit himself." and who is she talking about? (pg. 7816)

This is in part a reference to how the fandom reacts to Hussie's treatment of Nepeta as if letting her pass off into obscurement is her "hating" Nepeta with how we constantly see dead nepetas. The individual Jasprosesprite^2 is talking about is presumably Lord English in particular but LE might as well the negative side of Hussie but thats a discussion for another day.

What the hell is up with Aranea in the post-retcon timeline. Where is she? Did she just cease to exist? Doubtful.

Yes she just ceased to exist for all intents and purposes.

Why does Davepetasprite^2 suddenly want to fight Lord English? Why would he be "vulnerable" to them?

A lot of questions you have about things tends to come from a lack of understanding homestucks meta narrative. Dave vs Davesprites arcs are talked about quite in depth in the authors notes but to summarise Dave journey is one of rejecting the heroes Journey which is represented by the his broken sword while Davesprites is an embrace of it like when they thought side by side with their abuser to try and kill Jack back in act 5. Davepetasprite is the ultimate culmination of this heroes journey where they go fight lord english cause they feel like it instead of out of any obligation.

How did all the guardians know what was going to happen? (pg. 7919, as well as many other places)

There are so many ways they could have gained that information especially when the condesce needed them to do certain things.

What exactly is going on in [S] Terezi: Remem8er.?

Terezi using her seer of mind powers to look at the pre retcon timeline and what happened to Game Over Terezi.

How was PM able to resist/attack Jade? Why couldn't Jack do the same? (pg. 8087)

She was just pissed enough.

How did Dave break Dirk's unbreakable katana? It's explicitly unbreakable. (pg. 8087)

There are many different explanations that all hinge of the fact that the unbreakable katana is for all intents and purposes a juju. It could have been destroyed due to its proximity to the Juju breaker that Slick was using but also due to the fact that there were two of them in existence at the same time, the one Roxy uses to kill the condesce is the version that continues on existing.

Why/How the fuck does Nannasprite have the ability to revive people???? (pg. 8089)

Jane revives them, Vriska explains this in the lilypad conversations. Nanasprite just heals the still living characters.

What happens to the versions of the alpha kids that fight Lord English?

They don't matter and might as well just be dead lol.

Just prefacing I am not answering all your epilogue and beyond canon questions, so many of these are either complete garbage or deserve their own post. aka my brain just gave up halfway through

How does John going back to defeat Lord English "authenticate" the Meat timeline? Shouldn't John's retconning just make The Meat Timeline cease to exist? His meddling means that Earth C was never created (because everyone dies), which is fine, because his version of time travel doesn't need to make stable loops, but I don't see how him doing that would authenticate anything in the Meat timeline?

He took all the characters from the pre retcon timeline which meant it didn't affect anything with the alpha timeline. JOhn needed to go fight Caliborn and initiate the masterpiece because otherwise lord english would never exist and Lord English existing is the only reason the ENTIRE STORY OF HOMESTUCK EXISTS, without that post canon would fade away as explained by Rose in the prolouge.

Where are the commands coming from in the Epilogues?

Dirk

When/How did The Mayor die? (Meat, pg. 2)

The Mayor died from old age after establishing society on earth C.

Can trolls not handle any sunlight at all, or is the Alternian sun particularly strong? Like, does Karkat avoid the Earth C sun because he'll literally burn up, or just because he’s Karkat and doesn't like outside?

The alternian sun is particularly strong and Karkat is a little bitch.

Why does Dirk want Jane to win the election? He’s not xenophobic. How does it serve his interests? What are his interests anyways? He talks about Jane ruling for millions of years on Meat pg. 39. Why?

Is he not xenophobic? Also going to preface that a lot of these epilogue answers will be speculation since the epilogues wants people to speculate, especially with the unreliable narrators. Now my personal interpretation is that Dirk knows Jane will be a shit leader and will eventually run earth C into the ground until it becomes a dead planet which would allow the cherubs egg to be layed on earth. Dirk is also a little bitch.

How did Dirk gain the ability to become a narrator? Hussie had a terminal of sorts [I think?], but Dirk can narrate while taking actions. And the ability to narrate clearly isn't inherent to those who have ascended to their Ultimate Selves. (See: Davebot/Rosebot)

To summarise Narration isn't a power, there isn't a specific reason why Doc Scratch was able to narrate homestuck, anyone with proper narrative awareness could likely be a "narrator". The reason Dirk in particular is especially able to "narrate" is due to the way he can subtly manipulate peoples thought processes ALA command terminal with his Prince of Heart powers, but that just falls under the mind control umbrella.

Read this post again https://www.tumblr.com/dingodad/782310273277165568/is-there-any-leading-idea-on-why-specifically-ult?source=share

Same as above but for AltCalliope.

Read this post again https://www.tumblr.com/dingodad/782310273277165568/is-there-any-leading-idea-on-why-specifically-ult?source=share

How do Meenah and Calliope both simultaneously have the Ring of Life in the Meat timeline? Isn't it a juju, and thus unable to be duplicated through time shenanigans?

Imo it can be duplicated through timeline shenanigans and also that it might not be a juju? Now in my girlfriends opinion there is a plot hole in how the ring is acquired (should effect the main timeline) but that doesn't stop it from being duplicated.

When/How did Dirk become Ultimate Dirk? At what point did he start influencing The Narrative? Why?

We don't know when just before the events of the epilogues but Dirk's connection to his splinters in other timelines is visible as early as act 6. The narrator shit I explained above.

Same as above but for AltCalliope.

The narrator shit I explained above.

Why does Calliope tell John to free Gamzee in the Candy timeline?

This is the action that properly splits the timeline. John retrieving Gamzee prevents Lord English's creation and thus really ensures the timeline isn't "canon". Also Calliope is Gamzee apoligist (also he is her absentee adoptive father)

Who is narrating in black in the Candy timeline?

We don't know if there is a specific narrator.

Why the fuck does Jade say that Dave kissed Karkat? How? (Candy, pg. 9)

She is trying to get Dave and Karkat to admit that they love eachother.

What did Terezi say to Candy John? (end of Candy, pg. 10)

Doesn't matter that line is to show that John really wants to talk to Terezi.

Why/How the fuck is Gamzee in Dirk's studio? (Candy, pg. 13)

Presumably to get to dirks will before anyone else can.

"When you think so little of yourself as a moral character, any act of self-termination will result in a death that is Just." ???????? He's not the one making the judgement???????? Why should it matter what he thinks about himself???????? (Candy, pg. 14)

This is evidence that what you think of yourself does influence how the god tier clock strikes lol, also he had already begun building Rosebot he has done plenty of evil stuff by this point.

Why does Dave say that the teen Jade corpse is from "seven or eight years ago" when it's actually more like 11? (Candy, pg. 20)

It is from 7 or 8 years ago, it is likely just a grimbark Jade John scooped up who stopped being controlled by the Condesce as soon as John zapped away.

Why do only some people act super weird in the Candy timeline? Karkat and John still remain themselves, while Roxy becomes completely lobotomized, and others only seem mildly changed? And why is it only for a brief moment? Does it have to do with John’s emotional state at any given time? Vriska seems to imply as much on Candy pg. 38. Or perhaps Roxy is right and they didn’t actually change that much at all? I honestly have no idea what's going on with all of that.

One explanation is that everyone is fine and nothing has changed but you have made a mistake here. John is fucking insane in candy.
My personal interpretation is that candy bassicly makes everyone act under a pseudo lollipop Juju effect based of Alt!Calliopes views on free will in Meat "yet he hesitates. his mind is still lying to itself, casting doubt on what it really wants. i don’t see a purpose in allowing his self-deceit to continue for much longer. it’s wrong to contradict one’s true thoughts and feelings. irrational. unbecoming of an existence governed by free will." Presumably this philosophy passes on to everyones thought processes in candy BUT THAT INCLUDES JOHN.

Why is the Candy timeline free from Dirk's influence? He clearly has the ability to be present in other timelines (see: Pesterquest)

Alt!Calliopes protection and also idk anything about pesterquest.

Why does the server that Meenah absconds into take her to Candy Earth C?

She goes into the server and then puts the ring of life on which ends up taking her to candy Earth C.

Why does Vrissy say she's "8asically Immortal?" Is she a god-tier? Or just extremely overconfident? (Candy, pg. 34)

(Nitpick) When did John ever get any experience with washing troll blood out of clothes? (Candy, pg. 36)

Prolly Terezi got some blood on his during game over along with the other fights in Collide.

Why do John's retcon powers stop working in the Candy timeline? He's unburdened by Canon, no?

We don't actually no for sure if they DID stop working.

What did Vriska say to Terezi on Candy pg. 37?

It literally says it at the end of the page "Hey Terezi. This isn’t John. It’s Vriska."

Did Dirk set up the White House transportalizer and Obama hologram? When? Why? How did he know Dave would find it? If it is actually Obama, why does he act so strange? His words and actions are completely in line with the goals of Dirk. If it is actually Dirk puppeting it, how is he doing so? How is he channeling the actual power of Hope while he is a hero of Heart?

It was just Obama. I am too lazy to give this any more attention.

Why does Dave see a great dark cloud as he's ascending? And why does he see Dirk for a moment? (Candy, pg. 39)

The dirk thing is presumably just his Ultimate self shit

Can Davebot or Rosebot die normal deaths? Or does the Heroic/Just immortality of their God forms continue even after their biological death?

Their bodies can yes.

Why does Davebot ask AltCalliope "DAVEBOT: so we doin this" When did they plan together? (Meat postscript)

I don't even know how to answer this.

What does it really mean to ascend, to become your Ultimate self?

We don't really know.

Why does Dirk say that Rose belongs to him after she ascends? (Meat, pg. 25)

this question is asking me to explain the concept of explain abuse to you, im not doing that

Why does Terezi only notice Dirk's narration after she goes to Earth C? He was narrating when she was near the Black Hole w/ John as well.

Presumably a range based thing.

Is Terezi's awareness of the narration due to her status as a Hero of Mind, or because she was in Canon for so long? Or perhaps a secret third thing?

Mind

Why does Calliope start scribbling things about the Candy timeline on the walls? (Meat, pg. 36)

Expanded in beyond canon

Why does Rose's body need to be kept alive to transfer her consciousness to Rosebot, while Dave's body does not need to be alive to transfer his consciousness to Davebot?

The answer is likely that Rose's body DOESN'T need to be kept alive and could be transferred into Rosebot like with Davebot but there are specific reasons why Dirk wants to keep her body alive. One could interpret it as a metaphor for how much control he has over her with the way he now has literal possession of her body. It could also be another way he keeps his control over, the threat that something could happen to her body. It also likely going to be plot relevant.

Is that the fucking Ring of Life on Hysterical Broad's hand?????? (Catnapped, pg. 24)

Jasprose literally says "I hope you two lovely ladies are enjoying your honeymoon. Don't overindulge!". Those are just normal wedding rings.

Who is narrating in black on BC pg. 144? It's clearly not Dirk, and it's also clearly not AltCalliope. Is it Hussie somehow? Is it MSPAR? Is it The Director? Does there have to be an in-story narrator in order for narration to exist?

Its just Dirk, he has just begun using black text when he wants to be more "impartial".

Why is Dirk afraid of Yiffy? (A Threat Sensed)

We dont know yet.

Why does Vrissy suddenly fall asleep on BC pg. 261?

Possibly Narcolepsy

Why are Davebot's shades red on BC pg. 278 when it's explicitly stated that he took his shades off of his own corpse in the

When/How did Aradia ascend?

She didn't.

Why/How can Dirk and Aradia be ascended without their bodies giving out?

Aradia isn't an ultimate self?!?!?!? Also Dirk is a special case due to his pre existing relationship to his splinters and just the sheer amount of time he has had to get comfortable with being split like that.

Why isn't Rosebot aware of the narration?

Prolly not fully ascended.

Why do Vrissy's mind control powers work on humans?

WE dont know.

Where are the new dream bubbles coming from? (BC pg. 589)

WE dont know.

Do Dirk's Bullshit Powers have limits? Or is he just straight up omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. 

Dirk's power is Being The Narrator, similar to doc scratch. he can do a timeskip because he says he can and its narratively convenient and whos saying otherwise? if allie was there she could probably just say "that doesn't work, you have to explain how it works" and his thing wouldnt work

What the FUCK is going on on BC pg. 719??? Who's that girl?

Presumably a future post transition version of John of undefined name (tho everyone uses June)

What exactly is happening on BC pg. 767? Is Vriska destroying the letters (if so, why?) or just taking them? (also if so, why?)

WE DON'T KNOW YET

How the hell are Jane and Jake on the ship w/ The Meat Gang? Did Vriska just yoink them from Midnight city and put them there? If so, why doesn't Karkat react more strongly to their presence? He acts like it's no big deal. Were they "already there," so to speak? How? Why did Vriska put them there?

WE DON'T KNOW YET

How did Hussie learn everything and gain all knowledge of what will happen? Clearly this isn’t something inherent to narrators.

Because they wrote homestuck.

Im being honest a lot of these questions sucked but there you go a vast majority answered.