Floating in a strange, infinite void is a CHESSBOARD. Upon it are 32 pieces, 16 white and 16 black, arranged in standard formation. No moves have been made.
This is not a normal game of chess. There are no rules determining how a piece may move, nor what one may be capable of. There are only two rules to follow here.
1) Sides take turns in alternating order.
2) The game is over when one side manages to execute the other's KING.
Other rules may be added as the game progresses.
What shall the first move on this board be?
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
WHITE FARMER PAWN: Grow some CLEANSING ALOE to remove the BLACK ADJUDICATOR's buffs, and a CACTUS BAT to use as a weapon.
The WHITE FARMER PAWN will make do with what it has. It plants some SUCCULENTS for later use. They'll take some time to grow.
BLACK QUEEN B: Discover a complex gender identity which allows you to be a BLACK KING and BLACK QUEEN simultaneously.
The BLACK QUEEN B says thanks, but no thanks! It knew what it would be sacrificing to get where it is, and it wouldn't have it any other way. Someone else can govern the BLACK SIDE.
BLACK ROOK B: Squawk like an imbecile and dig another hole in the board.
Lucky for it, another hole is already being dug! It'll help these pieces out instead.
It does do some SQUAWKing though, because it's very fun to fly around pretending to be a bird. The other three pieces are annoyed, but they appreciate the help.
WHITE WARLOCK: Divert funds to support the candidate who will cause the most chaos.
It can't start its empire without a little chaos! It can't decide which candidate would be best, though. The POWER-HUNGRY BLACK PAWN is a loose cannon, and the YANDERE BLACK PAWN is an even looser one. The WHITE KNIGHT CANDIDATE would give a lot more power to the WHITE SIDE, but it isn't sure that would help its burgeoning DRUG EMPIRE.
It could always try finding a patsy it can control, and entering them into the race. Who'd fit that description, it wonders?
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
Black Pawn H: sow division amongst your foes (i.e. everyone) by spreading scurrilous rumours.
A girl stands in her bedroom on her 26th birthday. As she waits for the mail-centipede to arrive, her fingers twiddle with her long grey beard. The beard twiddles back.
"TEAM MADRIGOG" on Ao3 and FFN
> BLACK QUEEN A: Turn out to be transmasc, Crow Strider style.
> BLACK PAWN (?) & WHITE PAWN (?): Develop unexpected yaoi subplot only fractionally relevant to whatever is currently happening.
BLACK PAWN H: Sow discord among your foes by spreading rumors.
It takes to social media, immediately making a bunch of disparaging posts about everyone else involved in the race. This'll do it some good in the court of public opinion.
ROARING KNIGHT: Run for black presidency.
None of the KNIGHTs are quite sure which one of them is meant to be the ROARING one?
Maybe this NOIR KNIGHT? Maybe it's a play on ROARING TWENTIES? Okay, yeah, that makes sense. From now on the BLACK KNIGHT in the CLASSY HAT is to be addressed as the ROARING KNIGHT.
It doesn't run, though. It's more the type to jadedly disregard AUTHORITY rather than make it itself.
> BLACK QUEEN A: Turn out to be transmasc, Crow Strider style.
CHESS PIECEs don't really have much of an attachment to their GENDERs- they rarely have assigned ones at all, really, and usually they default to it/its regardless. The BLACK QUEEN A, however, has a personal attachment to femininity- how can it harness the power of YURI with its wife otherwise?
Besides, it wouldn't want to use the sacred magic of TRANSITION just for a grab at power. That strikes it as sort of insensitive.
BLACK PAWN ? and WHITE PAWN ?: Develop YAOI subplot.
The WHITE PAWN B and the BLACK PAWN G catch each other's eyes across the board. Bishie sparkles begin flying almost immediately.
These two will continue to act exactly as normal, except whenever they make contact they'll start blushing and stammering. Because obviously, as pawns, both of them are ukes.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
> BLACK PAWN C: retrieve spellbook on levitation majyyks from librarium.
alternatively...
> BLACK PAWN C: cut chute. discover that void plain loops back around to the skybox. take out the BLACK ADJUDICATOR using excessive velocity.
censor THIS.
Roaring Knight: Retrieve textbook on negative luminance from librarium.
BLACK PAWN C: Retrieve spellbook on LEVITATION MAJYYX from the LIBRARIUM.
The book on LEVITATION MAJJYX is not in the librarium, due to an embarrassing incident the BLACK PAWN C doesn't really wanna talk about.
BLACK PAWN C: Cut chute, fall into skybox until you loop around to the top of the board. Try to aim for the ADJUDICATOR.
Oh, the skybox doesn't loop. The BLACK PAWN C found that out the same day it lost the book on LEVITATION MAJJYX. It dropped it over the edge hoping to measure how long it took to come back, and it just... Never did. It doesn't know where the skybox goes, but it most certainly does not come back around.
ROARING KNIGHT: Retrieve TEXTBOOK on NEGATIVE LUMINANCE from the LIBRARIUM.
NEGATIVE LUMINANCE? What, like DARK MAGIC? It already knows the basics of DARK MAGIC by heart, same as every BLACK PIECE, and the same way WHITE PIECES are naturally gifted at LIGHT MAGIC. Those are the magics that allow for basic MOVEMENT, CAPTURING, COMPLEX THOUGHT and SUMMONING, what gives chess pieces that special spice that lets them move and act independently of any PLAYERs. Didn't you go to school?
The BLACK ADJUDICATOR is getting impatient and pushy! It asks if there are any more candidates who want to step up to plate before applications close.
The WHITE PAWN E begs the WHITE QUEEN for the means to DISGUISE ITSELF AS A BLACK PAWN, to little avail.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
> WHITE WARLOCK: persuade that APPRENTICE of yours to enter the race for black monarchy. spread those wings and flyyy god damn it.
censor THIS.
WHITE WARLOCK: Persuade that APPRENTICE to enter the race for black monarchy.
The WHITE WARLOCK shoves the WHITE APPRENTICE into the race just as the ADJUDICATOR calls the end of applications. It is added to the campaign roster and placed on a CEREMONIAL PEDESTAL that the ADJUDICATOR created just now out of the board.
From the BLACK SIDE, we have... TWO PAWNS? THAT'S IT? REALLY? Well, okay. Two pawns, one regular and one fashionable. From the WHITE SIDE we have ONE PAWN in a SUSPICIOUS HAZMAT SUIT and ONE KNIGHT.
Oh how democracy has fallen, the ADJUDICATOR thinks. Well, let's get this shitshow on the road.
The BLACK ADJUDICATOR sets some preliminary RULES and takes a poll of the BLACK SIDE's opinion.
The BLACK PAWNs are tied. Every PAWN on the black side voted for one of their own, because PAWNS are the only pieces who believe PAWN LEADERSHIP would be a good idea. The BLACK PAWN H got one more PAWN VOTE than the BLACK PAWN B, but the BLACK BISHOP A voted for the BLACK PAWN B because it admires its moxie.
One of the BLACK PAWNs abstained from voting because it was too busy digging a HOLE. Same for the LEVITATING ROOK. The GREY KNIGHT was also digging the same hole, but it wouldn't have been counted anyway because it is not recognized as a BLACK PIECE.
The WHITE APPRENTICE got one PITY VOTE from the TEMPORALLY DISPLACED BLACK ROOK.
The ROARING KNIGHT and the BLACK BISHOP B both vote for the WHITE KNIGHT B. Neither of them like endorsing a WHITE PIECE, but they don't think anything below a ROOK would have what it takes to lead. The BLACK BISHOP B orders its summoned POT OF GREED PAWNS to vote for the WHITE KNIGHT CANDIDATE. With them under its control, the BLACK BISHOP B controls a significant portion of the vote.
The BLACK ADJUDICATOR adjusts the podiums' HEIGHT VALUES according to each piece's POPULARITY. Each candidate will now have to give a SPEECH, after which another VOTE will be cast, and then each of them will complete one PROJECT for the BETTERMENT OF THE BLACK SIDE, After which a third VOTE will be taken. Once all that's done, whoever's PODIUM is tallest will become the new BLACK KING.
And of course while all that is happening all of the other side plots will be allowed to continue as well, because it wouldn't be FUN otherwise.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!